6 Months

6 months. Six long – yet short, sad – but happy months. Roughly 180 days since our lives were forever changed. How can I measure the change that six months have brought? How can I communicate all that I have seen and experienced? How can I quantify the love that has been shown to us; from our Heavenly Father and through our friends and family? Ultimately, I can’t. But I shall try nonetheless.

It is hard to believe that it has been six months since our sweet Calvin has gone home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe the change in our lives as a result of this experience. It is hard to believe that life does indeed go on, the sun keeps on rising and ultimately Kim & I are still safe in the arms of God.

Six months seems like a bigger deal than I feel it to be. Truth be told, I tend to only think about my son Calvin once or twice a day now. Certainly, not near the frequency with which he once occupied my mind. This is a bittersweet thought. On one hand, I am glad that Kim and have been able to adjust to life and whatever our new normal has become, but I am also sad that I don’t think about him as much as I once did – sad and perhaps a little guilty too. It’s almost as if, if I don’t think about him he’s not here.

I have come to the realization that Calvin’s life and death have not fully hit me yet. Knowing, that as we prepare to bring Calvin’s little brother or sister into this world that my fatherly feelings will find their place. They say a mom becomes a mom when she feels her baby kick. A dad becomes a dad when he holds his baby in his arms. I held Calvin in my arms, but he wasn’t all there. I held his body, but I have not yet gotten the honor of feeling his presence. Ultimately, I feel like I have not yet experienced “fatherhood,” and when I do, I know that I will come to realize what we have lost.

I have learned a lot about life in these past months. Life is not going to turn out like you expect it to. But through pain and sadness can come joy and thankfulness. Through the hardest hour of my life can come a better relationship with my wife. Learning to rely on the Lord for strength, produces less dependency on myself and my wicked ways.

In many ways I miss the extremely close comfort of God that was so clear and evident those first few days and weeks. The communion was so tangible, the prayers so real and the tears ever flowing. But now, routine has set in and self-reliance as well. I struggle to get back to that close communion with my God and Father, but am so thankful that I was able to experience that peace. The Lord has sustained us and continues to do so.

Six weeks ago we found out that we were pregnant and what a joyous time it has been since. How thankful we are to God for His lovingkindness.

What can six months do for a person after such an event? Six months can provide abounding hope. Hope in the next little one who is due on October 1^st, (2 weeks before Calvin’s birthday). Hope in Christ’s return to this earth. Hope in seeing my son one day. Hope in loving others with the Gospel of Jesus Christ that makes all of this other hope possible.

5 Weeks

5 weeks ago our lives changed forever. Our sweet Calvin was born into glory and we were ushered into a new life. A lot has happened in 5 weeks. Many different emotions have entered our hearts and many different thoughts have entered our minds. We’ve had good days and we’ve had bad days. We’ve had sadness and mourning, but also hope and faith in our sovereign God. Today was one of the rough days and still God was so faithful to us. He shows us His love in many ways and through many people. I bought Steven Curtis Chapman’s new cd recently. It made me cry the entire way home from the store. I’d like to share some of his lyrics which really resonate during this time.

I will proclaim it to the world

I will declare it to my heart

I will sing it when the sun is shining

I will scream it in the dark

You are faithful, You are faithful

When You give and when You take away

Even then still Your name is faithful

You are faithful

-From Steven Curtis Chapman’s ‘Faithful’

And, sometimes that’s how it is. We have to daily declare these truths of God to our hurting hearts. That God is faithful and that He is in control. We pray these things and hope in this truth. We know that we can only have this faith because of our hope in the work of Jesus Christ. God who became man and paid our penalty with his life and death. Praise our faithful God.

Calvin's Slideshow

Calvin Matthew Branch was born into glory on October 15 at 6:52am. He weighed 5 pounds 11 oz and was 19 inches long. He is loved and remembered by many.



Here is a wonderful slideshow featuring Christina Adam's photos. The song was customized for us by one of Christina's friends. We can't thank either of them enough for the effort put forth to make this special memory for us.

Please check out the link below to access the slideshow.

http://gracedesignsphotography.com/calvin/

Pre-Labor Hospital Pics

Calvin's 3D ultrasound

Brief Essay

Kim and I wrote this brief explanation of our circumstance and situation with Calvin. It first appeared on my facebook page and then on Christina Adam's blog.

At 21 weeks of our 1st pregnancy, our doctors alerted us to the presence of multiple developmental abnormalities with our growing son: Calvin. At 22 weeks it was confirmed that he has a chromosomal abnormality known as Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is typically fatal with only 10% of babies with this condition making it to 1 year old. Since our Calvin has some serious developmental abnormalities (severe heart defects, etc) he will most likely not live very long after birth. This has affected our lives unlike anything else, however we believe that God is in control of this situation and every situation.

Some people would say that our circumstances are not fair, and on a bad day we would agree, however, instead of looking at things in a negative light we are trying to view everything in light of God's sovereignty and yes, even in this difficult situation give Him praise. We can be thankful that we are able to conceive, we can be thankful for being able to feel Calvin move in the womb, for our special moments of bonding with him while he’s still here and most of all, we can be thankful that we have hope that through Jesus Christ we can be with Calvin again.

Calvin and his medical diagnosis is not a fluke or a mistake, he is our son and his life was planned down to the finest detail before the world was formed. God has formed him in the womb just like any other baby and his life has purpose. No matter how short his life, it will be full and God will use him in whatever way that He sees fit. Calvin will have the benefit of knowing that He was used of God in a mighty way through the lives of his mom and dad and for those around them. He has already taught us how to love and trust God and each other more deeply than we could have ever imagined. We know that this is happening for a purpose and although, we may never know what that purpose is (while on this earth at least) we know God works everything together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We know that Calvin is a work of God and that his life is according to God’s purpose. And, we know that The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).

Belly Pics

In August a fabulous photographer and family friend took pictures of us. She has posted a handful of those photos here:

http://gracedesignsphotography.blogspot.com/2009/08/belly-session-kim-and-josh.html

Here are a view of those for you viewing pleasure: